The Adventure Begins....again

As I log onto this blog and see the pictures of those three sets of feet....and read the profile as a "momma of two" it has become apparent that I have not blogged for awhile. Life has been full. Full of little people and acreage living and friends and community, times of tears but many, many times of blessings. Yes, our hands are much fuller than the last time I posted, but so are our hearts. As it seems this full season has led us to yet another adventure.

This blog was started as we journeyed to Edmonton for a time of training of Tim. We took J at just over one year and I was apprehensive....alright I was down right anxious about the whole situation. There may have been a complete ugly cry breakdown as we entered the city. I was afraid we wouldn't make community. That I would be incredibly lonely with a little man in tow and a big man working long hours. Yet, we left four months later having made some lifelong friends. The blog kicked back up again when we ventured forth on our adoption journey. Our adventure to meet our little A girl. The "spice" of our family. The little lady only God knew how much we needed. It was uncharted territory. There was anxiety and apprehension. Our family would not be the same had we not ventured forth. The blessing that is our A girl would not be here. Not to say either adventure came without challenges....but those are stories for another day...and the blessings far outweighed the struggle.

Tomorrow we venture forth once again. This time as a family of 6! We have added two sweet little boys E Boy and Baby C to our tribe. With six years of child psychiatry under his belt we have decided to take a sabbatical year as a family. To learn and be. To love and rest. To enjoy time as a family and to savour our littles while they still like us. There have been tears, there is apprehension (for the love we are driving to Ottawa with 4 kids under 8) but there is also anticipation. We have been asked by many that we love and will miss dearly to keep in contact. So, this is my attempt, enjoy.....and for those of you who are the praying sort...pray for sanity and grace as we drive East.

Well Hello There

Well hello out there....if anyone still checks in on us. Sorry about that ridiculous lapse of time since the last post. For anyone out there wondering....we are still alive :-). It has been a challenging few months of adjusting, fighting mono, fixing flooding houses (twice) and the like. While we felt for quite some time like the wind had been knocked right out of us we are starting to find our feet. As the second major renovation to our home since we have been home draws to a close (curse the leaky dishwasher) we are starting to feel like we are returning to some sort of normalcy. It has been a long time ladies and gentlemen. A road filled with seemingly more downs than ups but we are now on a steady uphill climb. Praise the Lord!

For those of you who may be wondering how the newest member of our family is doing...we are happy to report that she has settled right in. Donning a new set of ear tubes she is hearing and feeling much better these days. I think we are realizing just now how under the weather she must have been feeling...poor little girl. Alongside some understandable stress associated with transitioning to a family she had a seemingly endless stream of ear infections since we brought her home. Cue the referral for ear tube....those blessed things. Since having tubes put in she is singing and chattering away. Seeming to love life with the exception of when her parents say "no" or her brother gets in her way. You know, the usual sibling and two year old stuff. :-) We have just completed our first post adoption study and I can't believe it has been six months home.

The second littlest Ehmann is doing much better these days. Loving on his sister in the usual four year old way he has successfully adjusted to being bumped from "only" to "sibling". It was a tough ride but he is cuddling again with his momma (bless his little heart) and "helping" out. He told me just the other day that it was his job to "protect" his sister. After experiencing some pretty difficult rejection from him I thought this day would never come.

On a serious note, it has honestly been the hardest season we have faced as a family. A refining, humbling kind of season. The kind that knocks you to your knees and makes you occasionally shake your fists.....or maybe just I do that. A season that has brought tears and fears and regression...for all members of our family. Knowing that there are a lot of adopting families who tune into this blog I want to keep it real. Parenting is tough....adopting a toddler....tough.....but all worth the journey. As we enter a new year with new ear tubes, new floors, and a fresh perspective I am excited to see what is in store for our little family.

Not Exactly What I Had in Mind

I write this post from bed rest....for after almost a week of crazy fevering, a visit to a hospital isolation room and enough blood work for the year....I was diagnosed with Mono. Yes, the teenager kissing disease has found its way into our home. While I am thankful that it is Mono and not some African parasite this is not exactly what I had in mind for our Autumn.

My last post mentioned our family transitioning into a season of settling in....it appears I spoke too soon. So, ordered to two weeks of bed rest with a preschooler and a newly adopted toddler our family of four once again finds ourselves at home together. We are so thankful that Daddy has a job he is able to be flexible with....and a grandma who is able to fly across the country to lend a hand while he gets things settled.

Once again our house has been flooded with food and baking....and man do we know how to pick friends who are good bakers! Once again people have brought us groceries and taken our son on "adventures". Our laundry has been done for us and our yard work completed. As I sleep most of our days away....and cuddle my kids in our bed the rest of the time we are being carried by an extraordinary community. We are blessed.

So while my favourite season passes by I watch it for the first time through the window of our bedroom. I am given the opportunity to reflect on just how blessed we are. Our children giggle in the hallway outside my door....they scream and fight occasionally too....meals arrive at our door and neighbours check in to see how we are doing. Even though this appears to be the season of the unexpected.....of illness and flooded basements...there is blessing in the unexpected. We have found ourselves in a season of needing others, of having to humbly accept the help we need. In return we have been shown incredible love. Maybe not exactly what I had in mind.....but it has filled my heart.

It Takes A Village

We have been home for three weeks. Tomorrow marks our entrance back into a "schedule". Daddy returns to work. The leaves are turning, the wind blows cooler, the seasons are changing. The last three months have had us on shaky ground. We have had to hold firmly to what we know to be true....and when we lost sight of that rely on those we love to remind us. There are few times in our lives that we have been more aware of the "village" that surrounds us.

To those who have prayed for us earnestly and reminded us daily of God's goodness. To those who have contacted the embassy and paved the way for citizenship. To those who have made us meals to fill our freezer and brought meals to our door. To those who have brought coffee and made grocery runs. To those who have rearranged our flooded basement. To those  who have done our laundry....and then folded it. To those who have so lovingly cared for a struggling little boy by bringing thoughtful gifts or spending special time alone with him. To those who met us at the airport and to those who were unable to but filled our doorstep with little blessings to welcome us home. To those who write encouraging emails, send thoughtful texts, or show up on my doorstep for a hug. To those who have flown or driven long distances to support us. To those who have helped with hair crisis, brought over a snack and some fellowship or made me laugh just thinking about the crazy things our kids do....we thank you. We cannot thank you enough. You have helped carry us. I know that some of you were uncertain.....you felt like you were stumbling to support us in this "foreign" territory of international adoption. You did well.

We continue to have times of struggle. Times in our day where we don't know what to do or how we are going to get through. But the seasons are changing in our house too. Things are settling and a new "normal" is starting to establish itself. We are getting glimpses that our little man is returning to himself. We are getting precious glimpses into who our little lady is.

The Truth of the Matter

We were greeted by some incredible friends and family.

Our little family has now been home for over a week. We are so grateful to be back on Canadian soil. To be able to embrace the tail end of summer. To have the incredible opportunity to have Daddy at home until the beginning of September. To be anticipating Mama's (Grandma) arrival to help us out. To be surrounded by a community to support us.....but the truth of the matter is.....this parenting thing....this adoption thing....it's tough.

I hesitated to write this blog. Afraid that the honesty conveyed within would be discouraging or appear to demonstrate some level of ingratitude. This is not my intention. We are deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent both of our children. We believe them to be incredible blessings in our lives. A deep source of joy. We also believe that, if we allow it, God will use them to help us become the people He desires us to be. For before these little blessings we have not had to rely so heavily upon our Lord for those daunting fruits of the spirit...patience, peace....self control.

Little Dude was pretty exhausted from the journey.

Our time in Africa was quite honestly the most challenging experience our family has ever had to walk. Our lives changed instantly and we were jet lagged and without the love and support of a community. Our two littles struggled...understandably. One surrounded by people she didn't know...and constantly sick. The other having had his world completely rocked and in an entirely foreign environment.  We were pushed and stretched and at times very broken. We had an unexpected stay, we had sickness, we had tears. We were incredibly blessed with a few "short term" community members to help comfort us in our brokenness...and share a few McDonald's french fries with. But we deeply missed our community at home.

Coming home has not been without its challenges. Among the expected challenges of international travel with small children and the associated jet lag, we arrived home to a flooded basement, which is thankfully being taken care of as we speak and I missed the funeral of my grandfather (who passed away during our time in Africa). Attaching with a new little when there is already another little in the family has been challenging. Balancing the needs of children challenging. Determining and enforcing the appropriate boundaries...challenging. Although we walk a difficult journey now, I know...when I have had enough sleep, that it is infinately good. That while our family will never be the same...that is an incredible blessing. That while some days may be dark....we are not alone and are blessed by so many hands and hearts to help raise our family.

I know that in writing this there are many families that are anticipating an up and coming trip to South Africa. We are so excited for you. We can't wait to hear your stories, see the pictures of those smiling beauties. I pray that your travel goes smoothly, that your time away is a wonderful time for building and bonding. For laughter and joy....but know this. If it is not, if there are days that you struggle, days that you cry, days when your children melt down and reject you, days that you want to hide somewhere....for a VERY long time. You are not alone. This parenting thing....it's tough.....this adoption thing....it's tough.....but it is good.

Little lady meets some new friends.

I still need a lot of reminding of that and I am thankful for those families who have walked before us to tell us that there will come a day when my son can't remember a time without his sister. That there will come a day when the joyful interactions will be more abundant between them. That there will be a day when meal times aren't like world war three broke out at my dining table and my husband and I will go on a date again. In the same way, I hope that my transparency will act as a hope. For the only thing worse than walking through a challenging season in life....is thinking that you are the only one doing it.


*As an aside we are so thankful to have had Chantel Klassen  http://www.aharvestofblessing.com/photography/ offer to come to the airport to capture our first moments at home. While we were in rough shape we love that these moments were captured for us.

To The Many Who Love Us and Are Awaiting Our Arrival

Dear Family and Friends,

We are so excited to be returning home soon with Ada! We are sending you this letter to answer some questions and provide information that we feel is very important for you to know. (We have found this letter on a number of adoption blog sites. We have adapted it to reflect our family.)

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in the typical attachment process.  As Ada’s parents and forever family our first goal is to help lay the foundation for her to have secure, long-term, loving, committed relationships.  That foundation is a secure, loving relationship with us as her parents.  When Ada comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. Although she was deeply loved in her baby home, she did not experience God’s design for family in this setting. During the first 14 months of her life she did not have the opportunity to attach to us (or to any one individual caregiver). We are essentially starting with Ada at 14 months where we had the opportunity to start with Jake from day one. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us many times a day over many months, she will learn that we as her parents are trustworthy and reliably meet her physical and emotional needs. Once this important bond is established between us, she will then be able to branch out to forming healthy relationships with our family and friends.

Ada will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are thoughtfully made choices. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her form a secure, trusting relationship with us as rapidly as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because we will actually need you to play a vital role in helping our Ada settle in and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us.

For much of the first year, we will be the only ones to hold Ada, give her food, and meet all of her physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to babysit or watch her, not even for a few hours, for a while. Although she has had many loving caregivers in her life, many of these individuals were volunteers who would visit her briefly once a week.  It may take Ada some time to learn that neither we nor she is going anywhere! We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or console her when she is upset.  Let us repeat ourselves, especially for our family members. We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or console her when she is upset.  We understand that you have waited and anticipated her arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward will be great! Once she is attached to us, she will be able to give love to and receive love from all the other very important people in her life. How long this will take we can’t predict. We are hoping that her bond to us (and ours to her!) will be firmly established within 6 -12 months.

You may see Ada and think she is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because she will happily go to anyone.  Children who have been raised in baby homes, foster care, or orphanages learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their physical and emotional needs met. Because Ada spent her first 14 months of life in a baby home where there were a few designated, 24-7 caregivers, and a ton of volunteers coming and going throughout the week, she may be prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone. This may hinder her ability to establish a primary caregiving relationship with us, her parents. We want her to turn to us when she is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until she has a firm understanding that we are her family, that we love her, and that we take care of not only her physical needs, but more importantly her emotional needs, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort from you. In time, when she knows that “she’s ours”, we will encourage you to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles…so don’t worry grandmas, you’re just going to need patience because man o’man is she cute. Until then, waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Ada should know that the people with whom she interacts are our trusted friends. We also welcome you to get onto the floor with her to interact and play only asking that you refrain from pulling her onto your lap.

You may also notice that we parent her differently than we parent her brother, Jacob. It may look like we are babying and spoiling her. This is another way to build attachment. In the first several months of a baby’s life, you say “yes” to as many of their demands as is practicable. Yes, I will feed you…yes, I will change your diaper...yes, I will help you fall asleep. Without going overboard, we will be saying yes to as many things as possible so that she knows that she can trust us to meet her needs. There may be things that appear to be age inappropriate such as prolonging bottle feeding throughout the next year and delaying potty training, to name a couple. There is a good chance that she will be strapped to one of us in a carrier for many months while we are in public and around other people until she is comfortable and secure in her new environment. We thought it was important for you to know that there is a method to our parenting madness and we are not just babying or spoiling her.

Now, none of this means that we do not want visitors or that we want to be left alone. Actually the opposite is true. We have spent the last 7 weeks isolated in South Africa and are looking forward to catching up with you all (we miss you guys so much!) We want you to visit. We need you to visit. Jake needs you to visit so that he has someone else to play with other than his mom and dad! However, we ask that you call first and check that it is an appropriate time. For a while we will also try to avoid large groups, crowds, and noisy situations as to not overwhelm Ada.

We want to thank you for the love and support you have already given all of us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious daughter, Ada, and our deeply loved son, Jacob. Because of the fact that Ada was living in a loving, nurturing baby home, rather than an orphanage before she entered our life, we are optimistic about her ability to adjust and attach quickly to us. We’d love it if you’d pray for us and her in this process of becoming a family.

Please take a few minutes to read the points listed below. They are from the blog of another adoptive mom. We think she does a wonderful job clearing up and explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.

From South Africa with love,

Tim and Erin

Attachment takes time and work.

It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.

We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.

Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children.

Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family, please do even if we don't reach out and ask.

Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.

Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.

Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children.

We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.

Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value your friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.

All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children.

Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities.

We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt.

We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed. As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".

If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it".

Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances.

Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.

If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

A Win for Canada

Congrats Canada! You gained a good one.

For those of you who are following our blog but are not on facebook...I apologize for the delay in this post. On Wednesday Canada gained a great new little citizen. After much prodding, a persuasive call from an MP office, and a whole lot of prayer I was contacted by the CIC office in Pretoria. They "dug" through a pile and found Miss A's papers. Apparently it has been busy there :-) . We are so thankful to have passed this step. We have been in contact with the passport office and they have verified that they have all the necessary documentation to process Miss A's first passport....let's just hope it doesn't make its way into a "pile" that will necessitate any "digging". We have until next Friday to receive the passport and it really feels like we have made some breathing room for ourselves.
Today marked our move to what will hopefully be our last accomodations in South Africa. We have moved inland away from the sea air and sandy beaches. We now find ourselves surrounded by forest with a river running right through the b and b property. The neighbourhood is gated with allows us to move more freely by foot....after all this chocolate "therapy" I could use some walking around.
Miss A has once again become sick. I suppose it is winter around here and much like winter at home...sickness makes its rounds. There is so much going on in her little world it is no doubt that some form of "stress" contributes to this. We are praying that she will get over this before the flights. While in many ways next Saturday can't come soon enough, with the stress of making contact with the high commission relieved we are hoping to make the most of these last days in Africa.

A brief glimpse at sibling love.