Dear
Family and Friends,
We
are so excited to be returning home soon with Ada! We are sending you this
letter to answer some questions and provide information that we feel is very
important for you to know. (We have found this letter on a number of adoption
blog sites. We have adapted it to reflect our family.)
Children
who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in the typical
attachment process. As Ada’s parents and
forever family our first goal is to help lay the foundation for her to have
secure, long-term, loving, committed relationships. That foundation is a secure, loving
relationship with us as her parents. When Ada comes home, she will be overwhelmed.
Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her
new environment, but also about love and family. Although she was deeply loved
in her baby home, she did not experience God’s design for family in this
setting. During the first 14 months of her life she did not have the
opportunity to attach to us (or to any one individual caregiver). We are
essentially starting with Ada at 14 months where we had the opportunity to
start with Jake from day one. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond
is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this
repeats between us many times a day over many months, she will learn that we as
her parents are trustworthy and reliably meet her physical and emotional needs.
Once this important bond is established between us, she will then be able to
branch out to forming healthy relationships with our family and friends.
Ada
will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close
proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are thoughtfully made
choices. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her form a secure,
trusting relationship with us as rapidly as possible. Why are we telling you
all of this? Because we will actually need you to play a vital role in helping
our Ada settle in and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in
which you can help us.
For
much of the first year, we will be the only ones to hold Ada, give her food,
and meet all of her physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to
babysit or watch her, not even for a few hours, for a while. Although she has
had many loving caregivers in her life, many of these individuals were
volunteers who would visit her briefly once a week. It may take Ada some time to learn that neither
we nor she is going anywhere! We know how hard it will be for you in the
beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or console her when she is
upset. Let us repeat ourselves,
especially for our family members. We
know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give
her food, or console her when she is upset. We understand that you have waited and
anticipated her arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward
will be great! Once she is attached to us, she will be able to give love to and
receive love from all the other very important people in her life. How long
this will take we can’t predict. We are hoping that her bond to us (and ours to
her!) will be firmly established within 6 -12 months.
You
may see Ada and think she is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well
because she will happily go to anyone. Children who have been raised in baby homes,
foster care, or orphanages learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have
their physical and emotional needs met. Because Ada spent her first 14 months
of life in a baby home where there were a few designated, 24-7 caregivers, and
a ton of volunteers coming and going throughout the week, she may be prone to
attach too easily to anyone and everyone. This may hinder her ability to
establish a primary caregiving relationship with us, her parents. We want her
to turn to us when she is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest
adult around. Until she has a firm understanding that we are her family, that
we love her, and that we take care of not only her physical needs, but more
importantly her emotional needs, we would be so grateful if you direct her to
us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort from you. In
time, when she knows that “she’s ours”, we will encourage you to give out plenty
of hugs, kisses and snuggles…so don’t worry grandmas, you’re just going to need
patience because man o’man is she cute. Until then, waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly
appropriate and welcomed! Ada should know that the people with whom she
interacts are our trusted friends. We also welcome you to get onto the floor
with her to interact and play only asking that you refrain from pulling her
onto your lap.
You
may also notice that we parent her differently than we parent her brother, Jacob.
It may look like we are babying and spoiling her. This is another way to build
attachment. In the first several months of a baby’s life, you say “yes” to as
many of their demands as is practicable. Yes, I will feed you…yes, I will
change your diaper...yes, I will help you fall asleep. Without going overboard,
we will be saying yes to as many things as possible so that she knows that she
can trust us to meet her needs. There may be things that appear to be age
inappropriate such as prolonging bottle feeding throughout the next year and
delaying potty training, to name a couple. There is a good chance that she will
be strapped to one of us in a carrier for many months while we are in public
and around other people until she is comfortable and secure in her new
environment. We thought it was important for you to know that there is a method
to our parenting madness and we are not just babying or spoiling her.
Now, none of this means
that we do not want visitors or that we want to be left alone. Actually the
opposite is true. We have spent the last 7 weeks isolated in South Africa and
are looking forward to catching up with you all (we miss you guys so much!) We want
you to visit. We need you to visit. Jake needs you to visit so that he has
someone else to play with other than his mom and dad! However, we ask that you
call first and check that it is an appropriate time. For a while we will also
try to avoid large groups, crowds, and noisy situations as to not overwhelm Ada.
We
want to thank you for the love and support you have already given all of us. We
couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our
precious daughter, Ada, and our deeply loved son, Jacob. Because of the fact
that Ada was living in a loving, nurturing baby home, rather than an orphanage before
she entered our life, we are optimistic about her ability to adjust and attach
quickly to us. We’d love it if you’d pray for us and her in this process of
becoming a family.
Please
take a few minutes to read the points listed below. They are from the blog of
another adoptive mom. We think she does a wonderful job clearing up and
explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.
From
South Africa with love,
Tim
and Erin
Attachment takes time and work.
It
doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely
attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every
family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one
day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our
love is deep and real.
Parenting an adopted child is
hard work and we struggle.
We
may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that
if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that
you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in
common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is
challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles,
adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.
We may discourage physical
contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until
we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please
do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap.
Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for
adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most
friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute
and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and
confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults
who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also
teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child,
adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact
with someone that they do not know well.
It is greatly appreciated if you
choose your wording carefully, especially around our children.
Yes,
these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if
all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in
most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking
about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are
all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.
If you'd like to offer support
(meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,
please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many
of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I
don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group
of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new
child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be
exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of
adjustment
Please don't try to get our child
to like you the most.
Attachment
and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our
children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging
bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to
get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too,
I promise.
Be considerate of the types of
questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history,
especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to
understand.
Would
it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your
parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these
questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to
wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are
things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our
children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories
someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share,
not mine.
Sometimes adopted children need
to be parented differently than biological children.
We
are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we
are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've
experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment
shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still
attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having
loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum.
The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a
child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who
doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible
to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do
things a little differently sometimes.
Parents who have recently added a
child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even
if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with
our new addition we value your friendships. Please continue to check up on us
and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still
want you in our life and in the lives of our children!
Please refrain from commenting on
our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of
him or her.
All
children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are,
how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels
only makes them feel like they stand out more.
Educating your children about
adoption and diversity helps my children.
Talking
openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and
other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel
accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere
in our community.
Our new additions are not
celebrities.
We
appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption
process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking
photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring
our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of
the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.
Please do not tell us how amazing
we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt.
We
know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids
are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.
As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness
and well-being of any of our children.
We do not advertise our child's
"cost".
If
you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when
our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an
email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide
helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were
bought or that they are commodities.
When the going gets tough please
do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for
it".
Few
people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you
asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she
regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does
not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.
Even the happiest of adoptions
are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances.
Though
we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may
have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives
were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy,
well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full
of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.
And, most importantly:
No one is perfect.
If
you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've
already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge.
We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be
sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas
and suggestions, not commandments.
