Today J and I ventured out on our first date to the farmer's market this season. We started this tradition a year ago. A stroll through the market, selecting something special from the vendors and a carefully selected muffin enjoyed between the two of us. While it was a bit chilly to enjoy the sunshine from the patio we sat by the window chatting about story time at the library, about our favorite things to eat and other topics thoroughly enjoyed by my three year old. At one point this morning J became completely captivated by the birds outside....I blessed with the opportunity to take in the wonderment of a three year old. It was a gift. Uninterrupted time with the little boy I love so dearly.Now don't be fooled, this same contemplative child can also be known to throw objects randomly when frustrated, say inappropriate things at precisely the most inconvenient moments and thoroughly enjoys running away from me when we are already 15 minutes late. Despite all these things I love him like mad and today I was reminded that these extra years we have been given with him alone are a gift. A gift in the midst of heart longing for a companion for our sweet boy. A gift that often goes unrecognized. A gift that I don't often see the value in. Isn't it funny the way God works? Blessing among brokenness.
This has been a challenging season. One filled with tears of longing, anger, and impatience.....jealousy. But, it has also been season of incredible blessing. Not just those extra precious years alone with J. I have been blessed with new friendships and community as we have embarked on this journey of adoption. I have been blessed with generosity as people have given of their time and finances in support of us. I have been blessed with forgiveness and grace when brokenness has robbed me of the ability to rejoice alongside others. I have been blessed with an awareness of the incredible miracle that is the creation of a child. The complete blessing, privilege and responsibility it is to be entrusted with another being to love. I have been blessed with the opportunity for personal growth as I have been challenged to grapple with issues of race, stereotypes and injustice in ways that I haven't before. I have been blessed with the overwhelming opportunity to embark on a journey of adoption. With the anticipation of another child entering our hearts and home.
Seasons such as this can feel crippling. There certainly have been times of brokenness but, if I allow it, this season can refine me. It can stretch and grow me. It has the power to shape me a little closer to the person God wants me to be.....if nothing else just more dependent on Him in full recognition that I am absolutely not in control.....of anything. And in His grace, amidst all this stretching and growing and shaping, I can look up and grasp a hold of the many blessings among the brokenness.
