A Confusing Place to Be

Growing up in British Columbia I thought I knew what winter was. I thought I knew what snow and cold was......I was grossly mistaken. Having lived on the prairies for almost 10 years I now know what winter is. It is snow falling (horizontally), it is crisp air (that has the potential to "burn" skin), it is white (for sometimes 6-7 months). This weather requires a special brand of gear and a determined outlook to embrace and enjoy. Please don't misunderstand. I have a special place in my heart for prairie winters (it may be small but it is there). The mornings where hoar frost blankets the outside world. The outdoor rinks filled with neighborhood kids. Afternoons spent cross country skiing and evenings spent cuddled up when the snow is whirling outside. Winter can be wonderful.


It is mid December in the prairies and my 10 years of prairie living have taught me what to expect of winters strong hand by now....and it came. The snow....and lots of it. The freezing temperatures.....and days of it. Yet, to look outside this morning you wouldn't know it. Ladies and gentlemen there is a snowman in my front yard (a rarity with the dry prairie snow) and.......PUDDLES! We have been graced with a lovely warm week perfect for snowman building, fort constructing.....car washing :-) The season we have entered is not what it seems, at least for the moment.

In many ways that is how I feel about our journey in adoption. To be honest how I feel about adoption all together. I thought I knew what adoption was....and now that I am living it I think I was grossly mistaken. Yes, adoption, in many ways, is a wonderful story of redemption. A real and tangible example of our own adoption as God's children. It makes me teary (in a happy way) when I read stories of families being united for the first time. But that happy ending (or beginning), that redemptive uniting of families is not possible without incredible loss. The breaking of a family. In an unbroken world all children would be born into families where they are loved and where their families have the capacity to care for them. Yet, so many children are not. There are many reasons why children are adopted. All of them tragic. All of them associated with loss both for the families who surrender their care of the child and for the child.

 This is a confusing place to be emotionally and cognitively. To be so incredibly excited to welcome home a child through the process of adoption. To hope and dream of our family and yet to recognize that these dreams are not possible without loss. Unexpected sadness in the midst of joy. Unanticipated puddles in the midst of winter. A confusing season.

Phew....that was Close

Adoption....at least that of the international kind, seems to be and endless trek into the world of papers. Forms for applying, forms for confirming, forms for insuring that we are not criminals....medically unfit....or international spies :-) There are forms going out and forms coming in. There are even seemingly illusive forms that even the experts have difficulties tracking down, recognizing or forwarding.

A few weeks ago the final pre-adoption form was received......ladies and gentlemen after four months of waiting it has been confirmed....I am a Canadian citizen. Phew! That was a close one :-) While that last comment may be a bit tongue and cheek....the arrival of this form brings celebration. We are officially waiting....and only for a referral at this point. In the last few months we have been asked many times where we are at with our adoption. After the arrival of this form.....we are officially waiting. Waiting for that little face to grace the pages of an email.

 

Our version of the sibling picture with the positive pregnancy test!

Jake mailing all of our finished paperwork.

(I am sure he appreciates this version of the "expecting" picture :)

Anticipation

With the snow on the ground and stray mittens making their way throughout our home it was hard to wait until December to decorate for Christmas. So, our tree is up, although yet to be adorned with ornaments, our garlands strung, and wreaths hanging. Truth be told J and I did a little dancing to some Christmas classics today. How fun to be the one to teach him "Frosty" and "Jingle Bells. Although at this point he just mostly likes whirling around the house rather than singing with his Mama.

It is truly that time of year. Once again I find myself desperately seeking a way to make it more than the hustle of Christmas gift buying, the stress of entertaining on a level worthy of a "pin". Instead of stress, to have excitement build in anticipation of Jesus' birthday. Perhaps more than anything to help my child to find true meaning in the season. To draw him into gratitude for the gifts we have already received rather than being distracted by all the gifts he desires to receive.....if I am really honest with myself I desire the same attitude.

This week has not only brought out the Christmas decorations but the expansion of two families from Saskatchewan through adoption in South Africa. What a privilege it has been to read their stories and see the pictures of their beautiful families. It stirs within my heart the anticipation and excitement of the day when it will be our blog posts showing our new babe. What a wonderful day that will be. And yet, perhaps my desire in regards to our adoption is not unlike my desire for the Christmas Season. That I might not be so caught up in the gifts I hope for or anticipate receiving that I fail to see the incredible gifts I have already received. Too busy in preparations that I fail to enter into the moment.

For someone who likes to plan and do, the waiting process of adoption is challenging, but as my husband reminds me often, "It will happen at the perfect time." Thankful today that I can trust that God is orchestrating the creation of our family. Preparing both us and our little man or lady for each other. Until we meet might I recognize each day the incredible blessings I already have.

The Unexpected.....sort of...

 

Today the snow falls gently outside covering our little world. The air is cold. The roads are icy. It is winter. Being mid-November this should not come as a surprise in the prairies. Our warm fall days extended far this year offering an extra bit of grace before winter settled in. Despite my ample warning and past experience with winter it seems to catch me off guard every year. Yes, the Christmas lights went up before the frost and the snow shovels were dug out, but our car still dons the tires that prefer sunshine and I cleared the windshield with a library card. I wasn't ready for this. As I slipped and slided downtown this morning I was drawn to grumbling. Why winter? Why again?  I just didn't expect this this morning. I don't want to have to layer up as if I am intending to trek for days in the tundra to merely get groceries. Grumbling. Discontent at the "unexpected".

Graciously God has given me a three year old that often sheds perspective on my life in wonderful and sometimes convicting ways. With great joy J informed me that snow had fallen. Could we go and play outside? Was the hockey rink ready in the backyard? Is this the snow we can make a snowman with? Wonder. Joy at the "unexpected".

In many ways this season of life is "unexpected". Not just the snow outside but the challenge of growing a family, the challenge that is church and community, the challenges of beginning of a new career. Unexpected......sort of. Yet, the Bible is clear about our lives. That they are not intended to be perfect. They are not intended to be without challenge. When we face these challenges head on.....with Joy.....our character is being molded into that which God desires for us. Like the snow, which I should have expected. I feel caught off guard. To find joy in the "unexpected" journey. To trust and anticipate what God has in store for me....for our family. I thank Him that it is becoming easier to embrace the journey that I hadn't planned. To trust that this is the journey He planned even if I can't see how it is infinately better for me in the end.  God has been gracious in revealing to us the joys of adopting in the midst of this journey. In leading us down this perhaps "unexpected" path we have been blessed with new relationships and incredible excitement for the son or daughter that is waiting for us in Africa. Without this challenge we wouldn't know the same joy or blessing of this journey. The "unexpected" one.

 On this snowy afternoon, we bundled up as a family, found a snowy hill and enjoyed the ride. Oh that I might learn to enjoy the ride every day. Snow or sunshine. Expected or unexpected.

To Be Known

 We're waiting.........

Last weekend we had the incredible opportunity to meet with the social worker in South Africa who we will be working with.  This woman is an incredible advocate for children. She is knowledgeable about childhood development and the unique challenges that come with adoption. She told us about the baby homes and how children are cared for and families selected. I had been praying that God would affirm our decision to embark down this, what often seems crazy, path and my prayers were answered. A renewed sense of excitement is rising. 

As we sat and listened I realized that this woman sitting before us will know our next child before we do. In fact, she may already know him or her. She will likely have the opportunity to hold, photograph, delight in our child before we know of them. I am confounded yet again with a confusing mixture of joy and sadness. An experience I have found to be common in the process of adoption. Joy in that our son or daughter will be well cared for, loved, delighted in while they await our arrival. Sadness that I will not be there to delight in those early squeaks and gassy smiles that we endlessy video taped J doing. While we shared all of J's early milestones, we will miss many of those of our second child. They will be "known" before we meet them. 

The process of discussing adoption with Jake has been filled with "aha" moments for myself. I find myself constantly trying to simplify what I view as a highly complex process. And yet, while there are many layers of complexity in the process of adoption from administration and government regulations to attachment and transracial parenting, perhaps the deepest root of the matter is, in fact, not all that complex. We read a couple stories from the library at bedtime today. One titled "God Gave Us You" about a little bear wanting to know where they came from. In this story God gave the Mama bear the baby bear in her tummy. The second "God Found Us You" a story about a Mama Fox who waited and waited until God found her the perfect little fox to join her family. Both stories of families. Stories of how God provides children to families. Different yet similar. In both cases God knew the children before they met their mamas. He selected the little ones especially for their mamas. They just arrived in different ways. A simple explanation, yet resounding with truth. Yes, my little one in Africa, you will be known before we meet you, but first and foremost by the same God who also met your big brother first. 

We can't wait to find out who He is finding for us.

A Long Time

Those of you who are geographically inclined will notice a slight error in the way Africa is depicted here. I assure you, our dear cousin sewed it on correctly and when we get technologically inclined enough to take another picture we will right it :-)

So I suppose that it has been a long time.....a really long time......way too long....since I logged onto this blog and attempted to organize thoughts to share. I suppose the blogging absence summarizes most clearly the season in which the "embracing" of everyday did not come so easily. As a good friend put it so clearly this week "there are days" when disappointment, self righteousness and ingratitude cloud over like a nasty disorienting storm.....thankfully there are increasingly more days in which the light shines through and hope provides clarity pointing me towards all the blessings I experience. I have been hesitant to share this journey....and there will be much of it I won't in a public arena but this week I found myself challenged. If I don't have the courage to share my darkness am I missing out on the opportunity to glorify a God who so strongly desires me to find my way to the light? So, it is in light of this that I will provide a brief update of a very long journey that has led us to today....and also to quench to curiosity of many who wonder how we have landed ourselves on the path to international adoption :-) 

There are a great deal of things I don't understand in life. Some I try to make sense of and come up with some resemblance of understanding. Others I drive myself batty trying to understand and others still that I have somehow found peace in not understanding but trusting that a God much greater than myself has things figured out. Our experience with secondary infertility has been a journey from the second to the last. It has been one of those instances in the life over which I have had absolutely no control (that would be the driving me batty part). Yes, there were alternatives to pursue but we didn't. Yes, there is the possibility that we might have another child naturally, but we haven't. So, in light of the strong desire we have for a large family and the many children who desire to belong to a loving and stable family, we have decided to pursue an international adoption. To welcome into our home, to embrace into our family, to love with all our hearts a child given life by other parents but entrusted to us to raise as our own. 

What you should know.....

We are excited.

We are excited to be at the stage where we are waiting. Not overly thrilled about having patience to wait but trusting that a proposal for the newest "Ehmann" will come at the perfect time. Yes, the experience of infertility has been heart wrenching. Yes, we will probably still struggle with this challenge when we hear of new pregnancy announcements or smell the sweet smell of a newborn....but we are so excited to be in waiting for a babe of our own.

Yes, Jake knows.

While his understanding is limited, he knows that we will be picking up his brother or sister from the "heart".....the heart on the pillow above is in South Africa. While he has informed us that he really would prefer a cowboy.....he is generally accepting that a brother or sister would be okay too. That is pretty much all he knows and developmentally we feel about the extent of what he can grasp. When the proposal comes we'll have more discussions :-) 

We have no idea how long we will wait.

I get antsy when the internet connection is 5 seconds slower in our home so you can well imagine how challenging this wait might be. We have been told that there is about a 15 month wait. We are on month 3. I will leave the math up to you....although keep in mind there are a few variables, like the two governments, two agencies, and some international policies that might mix things up for us at anytime......if you are the praying type, we would appreciate a little bit of that in this area.

We feel led here.

While neither of us pictured ourselves pursuing an international adoption at this stage of our lives we have no doubts that this is where God wants us. Adoption is not a back up plan because we believe that it has always been God's plan for us.....we just might not have been aware of it. We trust that no matter where the adventure of growing our family takes us that an adopted son or daughter will be part of it. There are things beyond our control (as we have become acutely aware of) but, God willing, we desire to pursue adoption regardless.

Country: South Africa

Organization: Mission of Tears (Ontario)

Like I said short summary of a long journey. I hope to use this blog to keep people updated on where this journey takes us from here. Not promising any sort of regularity but check in once in awhile to see where we are.