To The Many Who Love Us and Are Awaiting Our Arrival

Dear Family and Friends,

We are so excited to be returning home soon with Ada! We are sending you this letter to answer some questions and provide information that we feel is very important for you to know. (We have found this letter on a number of adoption blog sites. We have adapted it to reflect our family.)

Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in the typical attachment process.  As Ada’s parents and forever family our first goal is to help lay the foundation for her to have secure, long-term, loving, committed relationships.  That foundation is a secure, loving relationship with us as her parents.  When Ada comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. Although she was deeply loved in her baby home, she did not experience God’s design for family in this setting. During the first 14 months of her life she did not have the opportunity to attach to us (or to any one individual caregiver). We are essentially starting with Ada at 14 months where we had the opportunity to start with Jake from day one. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us many times a day over many months, she will learn that we as her parents are trustworthy and reliably meet her physical and emotional needs. Once this important bond is established between us, she will then be able to branch out to forming healthy relationships with our family and friends.

Ada will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decisions are thoughtfully made choices. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her form a secure, trusting relationship with us as rapidly as possible. Why are we telling you all of this? Because we will actually need you to play a vital role in helping our Ada settle in and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us.

For much of the first year, we will be the only ones to hold Ada, give her food, and meet all of her physical and emotional needs. We will not allow anyone to babysit or watch her, not even for a few hours, for a while. Although she has had many loving caregivers in her life, many of these individuals were volunteers who would visit her briefly once a week.  It may take Ada some time to learn that neither we nor she is going anywhere! We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or console her when she is upset.  Let us repeat ourselves, especially for our family members. We know how hard it will be for you in the beginning to not hug and hold her, give her food, or console her when she is upset.  We understand that you have waited and anticipated her arrival as much as we have, but we promise you that the reward will be great! Once she is attached to us, she will be able to give love to and receive love from all the other very important people in her life. How long this will take we can’t predict. We are hoping that her bond to us (and ours to her!) will be firmly established within 6 -12 months.

You may see Ada and think she is so friendly and adaptable and adjusting so well because she will happily go to anyone.  Children who have been raised in baby homes, foster care, or orphanages learn to be charming and cute towards adults to have their physical and emotional needs met. Because Ada spent her first 14 months of life in a baby home where there were a few designated, 24-7 caregivers, and a ton of volunteers coming and going throughout the week, she may be prone to attach too easily to anyone and everyone. This may hinder her ability to establish a primary caregiving relationship with us, her parents. We want her to turn to us when she is hurt, hungry, tired or sad, not just the closest adult around. Until she has a firm understanding that we are her family, that we love her, and that we take care of not only her physical needs, but more importantly her emotional needs, we would be so grateful if you direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort from you. In time, when she knows that “she’s ours”, we will encourage you to give out plenty of hugs, kisses and snuggles…so don’t worry grandmas, you’re just going to need patience because man o’man is she cute. Until then, waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Ada should know that the people with whom she interacts are our trusted friends. We also welcome you to get onto the floor with her to interact and play only asking that you refrain from pulling her onto your lap.

You may also notice that we parent her differently than we parent her brother, Jacob. It may look like we are babying and spoiling her. This is another way to build attachment. In the first several months of a baby’s life, you say “yes” to as many of their demands as is practicable. Yes, I will feed you…yes, I will change your diaper...yes, I will help you fall asleep. Without going overboard, we will be saying yes to as many things as possible so that she knows that she can trust us to meet her needs. There may be things that appear to be age inappropriate such as prolonging bottle feeding throughout the next year and delaying potty training, to name a couple. There is a good chance that she will be strapped to one of us in a carrier for many months while we are in public and around other people until she is comfortable and secure in her new environment. We thought it was important for you to know that there is a method to our parenting madness and we are not just babying or spoiling her.

Now, none of this means that we do not want visitors or that we want to be left alone. Actually the opposite is true. We have spent the last 7 weeks isolated in South Africa and are looking forward to catching up with you all (we miss you guys so much!) We want you to visit. We need you to visit. Jake needs you to visit so that he has someone else to play with other than his mom and dad! However, we ask that you call first and check that it is an appropriate time. For a while we will also try to avoid large groups, crowds, and noisy situations as to not overwhelm Ada.

We want to thank you for the love and support you have already given all of us. We couldn’t ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious daughter, Ada, and our deeply loved son, Jacob. Because of the fact that Ada was living in a loving, nurturing baby home, rather than an orphanage before she entered our life, we are optimistic about her ability to adjust and attach quickly to us. We’d love it if you’d pray for us and her in this process of becoming a family.

Please take a few minutes to read the points listed below. They are from the blog of another adoptive mom. We think she does a wonderful job clearing up and explaining some common misconceptions and thoughts about adoption.

From South Africa with love,

Tim and Erin

Attachment takes time and work.

It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.

We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.

Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children.

Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family, please do even if we don't reach out and ask.

Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.

Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.

Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children.

We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.

Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value your friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.

All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children.

Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities.

We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt.

We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed. As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".

If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it".

Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances.

Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.

If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.