This is going to be a long one....please hang in there. It has been weighing heavily on my heart so here goes....
The road to adoption has many unexpected detours. Sometimes the wait is longer than anticipated. Sometimes the agency or country involved has experienced political or administrative challenges. And sometimes the process goes smoothly and you are instead blindsided by other unanticipated challenges as you progress through your journey. Let me elaborate on number three.
Our journey to our daughter has been incredibly smooth both administratively and politically. For this we are thankful and we continue to pray that our journey continues to be smooth. Instead, what has been particularly challenging for us has been the internal processing of adoption and the questions and comments from others. We are forced everyday to think about the injustice, inequality, trauma and devastation that can embark a child on the adoptive journey. We have been forced to grapple with our role in this process. Yes, adoption is redemptive, a blessed start to a new life....but one that cannot be made possible without brokenness. Perhaps it is this intimate and deeply personal processing that has made the questions and comments of others so hard to understand. While my natural tendency is to be hurt and angry I am seeing more clearly everyday....with a few relapses....that perhaps these comments and questions are an opportunity for inviting others into this personal growth. An opportunity for me to extend grace and shed light into the role we play in the adoption journey. For whether you are adopting a child into your home, your extended family or your community, we all play a part in the care and nurture of children who have been adopted.
So in attempt to extend grace and shed light let me elaborate on a few topics that have been particularly challenging in the last few weeks.
Point 1: It is we who are blessed.
Yes, our child is being welcomed into a family with a loving mother and father and big brother who can't wait. Yes, she is becoming a citizen to an affluent country that experiences much freedom and political stability. She will have continued access to food and health care. BUT it is we who are blessed. Please don't be mistaken. God has given us the incredible opportunity to play a role in our daughter's life. To watch her grow and to nurture the gifts He has given her. To provide a home and to love her. We are blessed in the same way that He has blessed us with a son who we love so deeply. We have been given the great privilege in engaging personally on the process of adopting. We are blessed.
Point 2: We have a daughter.
This may seem obvious but we have a daughter waiting for us in South Africa. While her entry into our family is not through birth she is our daughter. She is our daughter in the same way that little J is our son. We are excited about her, we are celebrating her arrival into our family. Please be excited for us, celebrate with us. Embrace her as you would any other new arrival. Yes, it is difficult because she is not here with us yet but make no mistake she is our daughter. We cherish her, we love showing pictures, we want to talk about her. At the same time, please do not make comments that you wouldn't dare think of doing about my son. Nuf said......
Point 3: Does she have any real siblings?
Yup, sure does....he is three and three quarters (according to him), has sweet curly blond hair, loves to fish.....little J is her real brother and he can't wait to play with her and give her hugs. If what you mean is "birth siblings" well....more on that later.....refer to herstory.
Point 4: Do you know much about her real mom?
Yup.....in fact I know every single thing that has ever happened to her in her WHOLE life....I have been there every minute! That would be because I am her. I am her real mom. No, I am not her birth mother but I am her momma in every way except for that. If what you mean is do I know anything about her "birth mother"......well, please look below.
Point 5: "Herstory"
Many of you are curious about our little ladies beginnings. Thank you for your care and concern. The truth of the matter is it will not be us who tells you about her past....it will be her. Yes, we do know a lot about our little girl's story. But in order to honour her we will not be sharing it. There are good reasons for this. Let me elaborate.
As her parents we care deeply about her. We want to be the ones to ascertain when she is developmentally ready to hear the different parts of her story. We do not want anyone else to be the one to tell her because we feel that, as her parents, we are best equipped to determine when and where she discovers the details about her early life. We also want to honour her by allowing her to tell her own story in her own time, to whomever she desires to do so. We have been entrusted with her story but do not feel like it is ours to tell.....none of it.
If, you are asking because you would like to know more about orphan care in South Africa or how to get involved with supporting children in this country we would love to chat about it. We could even connect you with some organizations to partner with.
This post is entitled "Growing in Grace" as it encapsulates the growth I am feeling challenged to have towards others. To be gracious when others comment in ways that can be hurtful recognizing that I have hurt others in situations where I am essentially ignorant of the details of their circumstances. I am deeply grateful for those individuals in our lives who have cried with us in our seasons of frustration and who jubilantly celebrate with us now. Who have organized showers, cooked meals to fill our freezer, checked in with us excitedly as we have made plans, brought over clothing for our girl and jumped across parking lots to give us hugs (true story). Thank you for sharing in our excitement. We realize now, more than ever, how wonderfully we are supported. I pray that this blog post would shed light into areas of unknown rather than feel condemning. To educate rather than accuse. For that is the spirit with which it was written.
The road to adoption has many unexpected detours. Sometimes the wait is longer than anticipated. Sometimes the agency or country involved has experienced political or administrative challenges. And sometimes the process goes smoothly and you are instead blindsided by other unanticipated challenges as you progress through your journey. Let me elaborate on number three.
Our journey to our daughter has been incredibly smooth both administratively and politically. For this we are thankful and we continue to pray that our journey continues to be smooth. Instead, what has been particularly challenging for us has been the internal processing of adoption and the questions and comments from others. We are forced everyday to think about the injustice, inequality, trauma and devastation that can embark a child on the adoptive journey. We have been forced to grapple with our role in this process. Yes, adoption is redemptive, a blessed start to a new life....but one that cannot be made possible without brokenness. Perhaps it is this intimate and deeply personal processing that has made the questions and comments of others so hard to understand. While my natural tendency is to be hurt and angry I am seeing more clearly everyday....with a few relapses....that perhaps these comments and questions are an opportunity for inviting others into this personal growth. An opportunity for me to extend grace and shed light into the role we play in the adoption journey. For whether you are adopting a child into your home, your extended family or your community, we all play a part in the care and nurture of children who have been adopted.
So in attempt to extend grace and shed light let me elaborate on a few topics that have been particularly challenging in the last few weeks.
Point 1: It is we who are blessed.
Yes, our child is being welcomed into a family with a loving mother and father and big brother who can't wait. Yes, she is becoming a citizen to an affluent country that experiences much freedom and political stability. She will have continued access to food and health care. BUT it is we who are blessed. Please don't be mistaken. God has given us the incredible opportunity to play a role in our daughter's life. To watch her grow and to nurture the gifts He has given her. To provide a home and to love her. We are blessed in the same way that He has blessed us with a son who we love so deeply. We have been given the great privilege in engaging personally on the process of adopting. We are blessed.
Point 2: We have a daughter.
This may seem obvious but we have a daughter waiting for us in South Africa. While her entry into our family is not through birth she is our daughter. She is our daughter in the same way that little J is our son. We are excited about her, we are celebrating her arrival into our family. Please be excited for us, celebrate with us. Embrace her as you would any other new arrival. Yes, it is difficult because she is not here with us yet but make no mistake she is our daughter. We cherish her, we love showing pictures, we want to talk about her. At the same time, please do not make comments that you wouldn't dare think of doing about my son. Nuf said......
Point 3: Does she have any real siblings?
Yup, sure does....he is three and three quarters (according to him), has sweet curly blond hair, loves to fish.....little J is her real brother and he can't wait to play with her and give her hugs. If what you mean is "birth siblings" well....more on that later.....refer to herstory.
Point 4: Do you know much about her real mom?
Yup.....in fact I know every single thing that has ever happened to her in her WHOLE life....I have been there every minute! That would be because I am her. I am her real mom. No, I am not her birth mother but I am her momma in every way except for that. If what you mean is do I know anything about her "birth mother"......well, please look below.
Point 5: "Herstory"
Many of you are curious about our little ladies beginnings. Thank you for your care and concern. The truth of the matter is it will not be us who tells you about her past....it will be her. Yes, we do know a lot about our little girl's story. But in order to honour her we will not be sharing it. There are good reasons for this. Let me elaborate.
As her parents we care deeply about her. We want to be the ones to ascertain when she is developmentally ready to hear the different parts of her story. We do not want anyone else to be the one to tell her because we feel that, as her parents, we are best equipped to determine when and where she discovers the details about her early life. We also want to honour her by allowing her to tell her own story in her own time, to whomever she desires to do so. We have been entrusted with her story but do not feel like it is ours to tell.....none of it.
If, you are asking because you would like to know more about orphan care in South Africa or how to get involved with supporting children in this country we would love to chat about it. We could even connect you with some organizations to partner with.
This post is entitled "Growing in Grace" as it encapsulates the growth I am feeling challenged to have towards others. To be gracious when others comment in ways that can be hurtful recognizing that I have hurt others in situations where I am essentially ignorant of the details of their circumstances. I am deeply grateful for those individuals in our lives who have cried with us in our seasons of frustration and who jubilantly celebrate with us now. Who have organized showers, cooked meals to fill our freezer, checked in with us excitedly as we have made plans, brought over clothing for our girl and jumped across parking lots to give us hugs (true story). Thank you for sharing in our excitement. We realize now, more than ever, how wonderfully we are supported. I pray that this blog post would shed light into areas of unknown rather than feel condemning. To educate rather than accuse. For that is the spirit with which it was written.
Thank you for sharing this post. I, too, have been learning to "grown in grace" thanks to comments related to a daughter of my own, as you can likely imagine. This was well worded. I can feel your heart and hurt behind it, and I can also hear the grace. We cannot understand unless we listen, and we cannot listen unless we are told or shown. Thank you for sharing and helping all of us become more compassionate, educated and grace-filled people. You do have a beautiful daughter and I feel so honoured that I am allowed to witness the birth of this new and amazing love.
ReplyDeleteAAAAWWWWW Look at you guys! Soooooooo beautiful! Soooooo happy! Now you can relax and enjoy, the formal parts are done! Congratulations!
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